Seeing someone cry is one of those moments that makes almost all of us feel embarrassed. Our first instinct is to say something to make them feel better. But, according to experts, that's exactly what we shouldn't do.
Communication researchers and psychologists explain that when someone is crying, there is no need for immediate solutions or “magic” words. What is most valuable is your presence.
Don't try to "fix" the situation.
When someone bursts into tears, most of us feel the need to do something immediately. However, Amanda Holmstrom, a professor of communication at Michigan State University, says this is more to ease our own discomfort than the other person's pain.
In those moments, the person who is crying is usually unable to process advice or carefully chosen words.
Don't immediately hand over the tissue.
Although it seems like a polite gesture, experts warn that immediately handing her a tissue can send the message: "You need to stop crying."
Instead:
Stay close.
Don't walk away from the person.
If the relationship allows, lightly place your hand on their shoulder or arm.
Accept silence. That too is support.
Don't know what to say? Don't say anything.
According to experts, it's not necessary to fill every moment with words.
Presence, eye contact, and the fact that you don't walk away are often more comforting than any thoughtful phrase.
What to say when the person calms down
Once the tears start to stop, then you can talk.
Avoid questions like: "Are you okay?"
Although it sounds cautious, this question can make the person feel like they have to answer that they are fine.
Instead, try:
"I'm very sorry about what happened."
"I found out what happened."
"I'm here for you."
Then be quiet and let him talk if he wants to.
According to researchers, recounting the event helps a person emotionally process what happened.
What if it's a stranger?
If you see someone crying in public, assess the situation. If they seem to want to be left alone, respect them.
But if he seems open to helping, you can approach him and say:
"Do you need me to call someone for you?"
"Can I help you with something?"
At worst, the person will thank you and say they're fine.
What you should never say
Experts advise avoiding phrases that minimize pain.
Don't say:
"Don't cry."
"It'll be fine."
"You are strong, you will get through this."
"Think on the positive side."
"It happened to me too..." (turning the conversation back to himself)
Also, don't rush to give advice. First listen, understand the situation, and only if the person asks for help, offer your opinion.
After all, people rarely need the perfect words. What they need more is someone who isn't afraid to stand by them even when they're crying.
