If you have a child who seems to "not care" about school, homework, or rewards, you're not alone. Stars, toys, promises, or even punishments may work for some children, but psychologists say that true motivation comes from a completely different source.
According to clinical psychologist Amy Kincaid Todey, the key is intrinsic motivation, meaning the desire to do something because it has meaning and value for the child, not because they expect a reward. When children feel like they have a voice, choice, and control over certain decisions, they are much more likely to engage.
This doesn't mean that children should set the rules at home. On the contrary, parents should give them space to make small, age-appropriate decisions, making them feel included and heard.
Experts also emphasize that emotional connection with parents is just as important as autonomy. Children develop self-confidence when they feel supported, but also when they are given the opportunity to face challenges without being protected from every difficulty.
For many years, rewards like money, toys, or screen time have been considered the best way to motivate children. However, psychologists warn that these methods may only be effective for a short time.
According to psychologist Ioana Pal, when a child is taught to do something just to get a reward, they start to focus on the reward and not the activity itself. Over time, the pleasure of learning, reading, or trying new things fades, and the question arises: "What do I get out of this?"
For this very reason, specialists recommend that parents foster curiosity, independence, and a sense of achievement in children, rather than relying solely on material rewards.
For example, instead of telling a child, "If you finish your homework, I'll buy you a toy," psychologists suggest involving them in decision-making: "Which homework would you like to do first?" or "Would you rather finish it before going out to play or after a short break?" These small choices make the child feel like they have control over the situation, increasing their motivation to complete the task not for a reward, but because they consider the decision their own.
