Chris Voss is an American author and entrepreneur. He worked as a hostage negotiator for the FBI and is now sharing his insights into human communication. One key skill he mastered during his 24 years as one of the FBI's top international negotiators was emotional intelligence. The secret, according to Voss, is knowing how to listen and read people.

In 1993, for example, two men held three employees hostage at a bank in Brooklyn, New York. Chriss Voss was the second negotiator on the phone with one of the bank robbers.

To resolve the conflict, he did three things, which he says people with high emotional intelligence do when communicating with others, especially during sensitive conversations:

Speak calmly.

In that 1993 negotiation, Voss used a technique he calls the "Late Night Radio Announcer Voice": a soothing, but not overbearing, voice that can be applied to any situation. This tone of voice triggers a neurochemical reaction that calms your interlocutor's brain. It then creates a clearer, more relaxed conversation.

"True curiosity is a trick for emotional control," Chris Voss said in a podcast interview. "If you speak loudly and then set it in a soft, soothing voice, you can put the other person and yourself at ease."

Repeat statements as questions.

"Mirroring" is an effective technique for building goodwill and gathering information. You "mirror" someone by repeating a few key words they used in a recent communication. For example, if the bank robber in 1993 had said, "I've had a really hard day, because of the stress I'm under," respond with "What stress are you under?" This keeps you present and emotionally clear, while allowing the other person to continue talking and expressing themselves to you.

Emphasize the other person's feelings.

Voss then said that while talking to the robber he tried to accept and emphasize his feelings:

"It wasn't your fault, was it?" and "You regret that this happened, don't you?".

Both of these questions implied that the robber simply got himself into a bad situation. This trick is used to identify and verbally label the feelings of your interlocutor. A good answer would be:

"It sounds like you're in a stressful situation" or "It sounds like you're unhappy with the way things turned out."

High emotional intelligence requires strategic listening

Chris Voss managed to convince the bank robbers to surrender and release the hostages because he did something most of us probably wouldn't do in the middle of a stressful situation: he listened.

His negotiation tools can be used in any life situation. 

"If you are able to master the art of listening, you can use your emotional intelligence to successfully defuse a conflict with a colleague, spouse, or even your teenage child."

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